i'm back

It has been so long since my last post. I have been ...busy? no, not busy ..."out" might be the appropriate word. To elaborate, I have been going outside the house more than I have when I started joining the 30-day challenge and now that I have a lot of free time again, I find that it is already the last day of the month and I finished only up to day 9. Haha how embarrassing. But I am really happy that there had been many activities that require me to do something out of the house rather than get stuck doing household chores and hog in the internet and read books all the time. Being an introvert can become tiring at times so I have to balance my activities. But now that I have time to spare to blog again I decided that I would continue my 30-day challenge. Besides, I recall reading what the author of this challenge wrote about continuing at your own pace so I think I'll do just that. :)

Day 9: Explore Procrastination

Ooooh this is difficult. Something I have been putting off? Hmmm... yes starting a regular exercise is one of those, then there's driving lessons, securing a valid ID, and other minor things. The most significant is securing a valid ID. I have already started with the other requirements for it to be processed but there are still some that should have already been taken care of.

Why am I putting it off? Because there is no driving force. I don't feel the urge to do so. I know that it is already high time for me to get a valid ID because I would be applying for a job soon and will be using it for requirements and what-nots, but I don't feel the pressure ...and I guess there lies my problem. I have been used to procrastinating that I become stagnant when there is no urgent need to accomplish something. But then, when I tried to think of a way on how to become "unused" to procrastinating, I can think of nothing that will not involve forcing myself to do things I don't want that will eventually make me hate myself in the long run. So I clicked on the related challenge on How To Overcome Procrastination. And my goodness did I learn something! There can be an underlying issue under the underlying issue! And these two underlying issues of all underlying issues of procrastination hit the underlying issues of my procrastination right down to the last dot and tittle! Back to sanity. I realized that both causes of procrastination apply to my problem. There is a lack of desire because the profession I am to commit myself into in the near future is not aligned with my inner desires (I mean I CAN be a good nurse but I don't want to be a nurse, I want to be an interior designer). There is also a fear of uncertainty because I don't know the exact steps on how to file for a valid ID.

Top reason why I want this done:

Because it is important and it is better not to put it off. This should be easier if I had wanted to do this task as much as I want to sketch, or even exercise, but I don't want to do it and that's what makes it hard to do. I just have to remind myself that it is really really important (as what I have been told).

Action Plan:

I'm gonna have to do this on Wednesday. Wake up early. Go to the municipal hall, ask as many relevant questions as I can, pay the fees, get the documents, and pass the requirements. Doesn't look that hard, does it? Easier said than done when one is not certain of anything but I'm gonna do this on Wednesday. Maybe it's not a very "robust" plan but I must not procrastinate anymore.

Day 8: Call a Friend

I guess I would call it fate when I decided that I should call my friend Irene (who just had a baby and who I have not talked with lately) and then read Day 8's task. It was such an opportune moment that it made me think that being days late in doing the 30BBM challenge definitely has its boons. Anyway, I decided to call her because it has been months that we talked and I just learned that she already delivered her baby.

So, we got in contact with each other although just through text. It was then that she told me that she wanted me to be one of the godparents of her daughter. I was amazed and glad and excited! It will be the first time that I will become a godmother ...and godmother to a baby girl! I suddenly had a vision of Sleeping Beauty and her fairy godmothers. Haha. So we got together this Sunday to attend the pre-Jordan seminar and I went over to their house after. It was really good to talk with my friend again. We were college friends and have been good friends for four years now even if she transferred to another school during our third year. It was fun listening to her experience of puerperium and about it bringing a big change in her life. I listened to her funny and emotional stories and I said some of my own experiences recently like taking the board exams and etc. I was really proud of her to go through with her baby even though there was no support from the father of the baby and she decided to become a single mom. I feel sad but proud of her all the same and I told her so. Her mom (Tita) was also very happy that I was one of her grandchild's "ninang" and told me that I would become a very good example to the child as she grows up. It was very nice to be thought of as such. And the baby was so adorable! She was really tiny and sleepy and making small squeaky sounds. She easily became my favorite goddaughter, not only because she's my only goddaughter so far. Hehehe.

I was happy on how well the day went. I was able to do Day 8's challenge and I got myself another challenge: the big responsibility of being a good "ninang" to my goddaughter. And as for my search of a purpose in life, I can gladly say that I now have another one. Now, I will not be surprised that as I go on with this 30BBM challenge, I will find that there really are many more aspirations or purposes to motivate me further. They are just waiting for me to realize that they are there. And the real challenge begins in working to make these aspirations into reality.

Although it rained hard when we attended the pre-Jordan seminar, I thought of this song at the end of the day ---> Brighter Than The Sun.

...who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go? ;)

Days 6-7: Get Your 30BBM in Order

As you may have noticed, I am way behind schedule in this 30-Day challenge. In fact I am way, way behind that I even missed this 2-day reprieve of getting tasks done and having time to view and participate in the comments section. My only consolation is that I have already finished the preceding tasks and I am catching up to the current tasks. Yey!

Day 5: Character Board

Day 5 Reflection:

This is my character board used as a guide and constant reminder of what I want to be.

It is one way to help myself become a better me.

I really want to print this and make more of my character board in my journal. But I have to buy another journal because my current one is almost full. :)

Day 4: Day of Virtue: Kindness

Day 3: Discover Your Ideal Self

Q1. What is your ideal self like?

This is my ideal self talking...

I am God-fearing.

I am honest, understanding and kind.

I do not judge others or think less of them.

I trust others wisely.

I am generous with my love, with my time, with my praises to others.

I am ever ready to help those in need.

I forgive and forget.

I am humble and gracious in successes and failures.

I am responsible, zealous and persistent.

I have confidence in myself but not to the extent of arrogance.

I am determined and have a good sense of self-control.

I do things out of goodwill and consideration of the feelings of others.

I am healthy and vibrant.

I am graceful.

I feel beautiful inside and out.

I see the good in everyone and I let them see the good in themselves.

I am fun, cheerful, optimistic and energetic.

I have a wicked (just an expression) and witty sense of humor.

I have a carefree disposition but not haughty.

I am open-minded and considerate.

I am creative and adventurous.

I am candid and truthful without being tactless or hurtful.

I communicate well with other people.

I overcome criticisms and learn from them.

I overcome fear in adversities. Fearless but not careless.

I am contented with the present but with the belief that I can make tomorrow better.

Q2. How would you assess this ideal self on a scale of 1-10?

As far as my own concept of an ideal self goes as of this moment, then this ideal self is 10/10. I hope that it may develop into a better ideal self overtime as I, myself, become a better me.

Q3. What are 3 baby steps you can start right away to live in line with your ideal self?

1. See others through the eyes of Christ. I know. It sounds impossible. Fine I'll change it. See the goodness in others and if you can't see it, look closer.

2. Treat anyone and do anything with love and kindness.

3. Motivate myself by making a bucket list. Maybe I should also try to get cancer and a billionaire friend. Haha just kidding (about the cancer and the rich friend).

Day 3 Reflection:

Whew. That was fun. I have always imagined what or who I would like to be but I have no idea it would be difficult to put it into words and compile it in a list. Anyway, I had fun and as I've reflected the previous day, it is indeed very helpful to type, or talk about, or share these things to others (although I think that right this moment nobody even knows this blog of mine exists).

I have also realized that I still have a long way to go from 3/10 to 10/10. I'm not even sure that I would reach 10/10 because I have a feeling that as I would reach a level closer to my ideal self then my idea of an ideal self would also go up a level higher. I know I'm getting way ahead of myself and that this realization should discourage me from pursuing this Utopian sense of self but I like to see it in a different light. I like to see the importance of identifying an ideal self as a path or a journey and not an end. This 10/10 idea of myself guides me to where I want to be or hopefully to what I am supposed to become as a daughter of God. And I hope that this 30 day challenge is an instrument to help me find my way.

Day 2: Understand Your Negative Traits

From the list of 5-7 traits you wrote on Day 1: Assess Yourself, pick out 3 key traits you want to work on this month. Rank them in order of 1-3, with #1 being the top trait you want to work on.

#1 Low self-confidence

Why do you think you have low self-confidence?

Honestly? I'm not so sure why. Most of the time I'm contented with who I am but when I deal with other people or do my tasks, I suddenly find myself falling short of what I expect others expect of myself. OMG, there it is. I measure myself through other people. I guess I've always known this at the back of my head but it really is something else when the words are staring you in the face.

Why do you want to change this trait?

Why would I not want to change it? Why would ANYBODY not want to change it? It is self-destructive when I come to think of it. It makes me dislike myself and then it makes me dislike other people and then those people will dislike me. And that is a really big problem.

What is one baby step you can do today to change this?

Uhm. Stop measuring up to other people. Focus on my own good traits and use this in dealing with others and with my tasks. I will put it in my head today that I am a unique individual. Maybe similar to others but different in totality. I am not better than others and I am definitely not worse.

#2 Under-motivated and unfocused

Why do you think you are under-motivated and unfocused?

I am under-motivated because I am unfocused. And I am unfocused because I have not set my priorities straight.

Why do you want to change this trait?

Because I want to have a sense of purpose in my life. Right now I'm waiting for my licensure exam test results and I have no job. Sometimes it's great having to chill and relax but other times it's disturbing to be doing nothing all day. Don't get me wrong, I do other stuff like chores at home, visit friends and read lots of books but it gets tiresome and has little sense of fulfillment.

What is one baby step you can do today to change this?

I will write down a career path. More of a guideline on what I would do under certain circumstances rather than a step-by-step to do list.

#3 Being too passive.

Why do you think you are being too passive?

It has something to do with my being under-motivated. There is a lack of desire, of a driving force, or of a sense of direction. I have to be told what to do before I do it.

Why do you want to change this trait?

It makes me become lazy, stagnant and unproductive. I become disappointed in myself thus feeding my lack of self-confidence. It also makes other people disappointed in me and that is another serious blow to my self-esteem.

What is one baby step you can do today to change this?

Each day, starting today, I will do a minimum of 3 tasks (other than the usual activities of daily living) that no one told me to do. It must be out of my own initiative. These tasks could be big or small but it has to benefit at least one person.

Day 2 Reflection:

I have unearthed a lot of things about myself while accomplishing today's task. Some even took me by surprise. I was a little hesitant to do this 30 day challenge at first but now that I have started and have been moving on to day 2, I can feel that it really helps talking (or more appropriately, typing) about these things that are rarely tackled even with oneself.

DAY 1: ASSESS YOURSELF

Q1. If you were to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (in terms of your personality), how much would you rate yourself? Would you give yourself a 1? Would you give yourself a 10? A 3? A 5? A 7?

Without reading the guidelines for this question I would have probably rated myself as a 6/10 because I assumed that this is to rate how contented I am with myself. However, it is stated that, "The bigger the gap, the higher you see your potential for growth." so I'm changing my answer to 3/10.

Q2. Why did you give yourself the score in Q1?

As the guidelines for Q1 suggests, it is not because I dislike myself, rather, it is because I see myself becoming better (far, far better) that what I am now. I have big dreams that are still swimming inside my head but the problem is I don't know how to act upon them yet and most of my dreams are on a different road from the ones I have been on so far.

Q3. Now, write down 5-7 traits about yourself you want to work on.

1. Being too passive and not having the initiative to start things.

2. Procrastination

3. Under-motivated, uninspired

4. Unfocused

5. Not being open to other people. I tend to create an oops-not-too-close barrier between myself and others resulting to poor exchange of communication.

6. Low self-confidence.

7. Content to settle with what is there and not aiming for better.

Day 1 Reflection:

Well, despite what the guidelines in Q1 stated, I guess I sort of dislike myself a little. But I will take that as an encouragement to become a better me.

...and as I was typing my answers in Q3 I realized that most of those traits don't seem to bother me a lot. I mean that when I reflect on it I realized that those negative traits are a constant part of who I am, and I have somehow accepted that. Yikes, sounds a lot like #7. I guess I just have to do my best to manage those traits. ;)